On Classism

Dear Michelle,

One of the things that most upsets me is the way that people view and treat the poor. The situation has existed for as long as society has included enough opportunities for a significant gulf between the rich and the poor. Those who have little in the way of income and property are viewed as detestable by those who live lives of luxury. They are often regarded as savage, uncouth, and barbaric.

However, it is important to remember that they are still human. It is true that children learn what they live, and anyone who grew up in a poverty-stricken environment would turn out similarly. I once attended a seminar in which the speaker described the differences between lower-, middle-, and upper-class society. It wasn't something I'd thought of before, but there are certain things that you only learn to do by being part of a specific social class. For example, upper class people generally know how to manage servants, organise social functions like charity balls, and influence politicians. Middle class people are more likely to know how to balance a checkbook, function in parent-teacher associations, and plan errands around children's activities. Lower class people often gain the skills of finding free food, hiding from police, and navigating welfare bureaucracies.

The reason this is true is because people have no need (or no opportunity) to practise the skills of the other classes. In a nutshell, the reason that poor people act "uncivilised" is because it is necessary for their survival. I was once told that the reason that lower class citizens have such a pathological obsession with respect is because it's the one thing they have that they don't need to pay for. It doesn't matter what car you drive if your neighbours know not to mess with you.

The point is that while the behaviour of the poor people is sometimes unpleasant, it's no reason to discriminate against them, and I see this sort of bigotry often. It makes me sick, and I hope very much that you never succumb to the sort of elitist attitudes often held by the well-off.

On Conspicuous Consumption

Dear Michelle,

I'm sure you've noticed that many people insist on spending more money than they really need to. They are often buying totally unnecessary items, which may fall into one of several categories. There are some things that are purely decorative (knick-knacks, figurines, posters and other wall hangings), some that have a super-specialised function that can be performed by other items (salad-shooters, for example, which serve only to slice and shred vegetables, even though that can be done perfectly well by other more mundane tools), some that are nonessential but people think are required (such as televisions, mobile phones, video game consoles, and home stereo equipment), and some that are simply frivolous and pointless (a lot of clothing falls into this category).

This rampant consumerism is called "conspicuous consumption." It is, in essence, spending money simply to show off that you have money to spend. Simply put, it's the wealthy rubbing their wealth in the noses of the less well-off. "I have so much money that I can afford to throw it away on unnecessary stuff like huge cars that get 2 miles per gallon or less!" is the message they're trying to convey.

Of course, money isn't the only thing that people spend in their quest for conspicuous consumption. They also waste time. The idea is that they're suggesting "I am so wealthy I can afford to stand around here accomplishing nothing of any use whatsoever." A perfect example of this is golf. Of all the sports that have ever been created, none has as ridiculously an unbalanced ratio of time spent doing nothing to time of activity.

The point in all this is that you will eventually find yourself in a situation where you are tempted to buy something that you really and truly don't need, just because you can and it passingly catches your fancy. I would recommend that you analyse anything you want to do or to buy, and decide if you really need it. For that matter, when you get the urge to throw something away, you should contemplate whether this urge is rooted in the item's having outlived its usefulness, or if it's simply no longer "in style." You can save a lot of money this way, and that money can be spent on more reasonable pursuits, such as a vacation or a hobby about which you are truly serious. And if nothing else, you can always donate the extra money to charity, so that people who can't even afford food will benefit from those people who really do have more money than they need.

On bigotry

Dear Michelle,

One of the most important things to me is that you do not grow up harbouring hatred towards other people. You will find many types of prejudice in this world, based on anything from ethnicity to gender to religion to nationality to wealth. This is the result of the human condition, as we are, underneath all the pretense and self-deception, still animals. We are exceptionally intelligent animals, being far more developed than other species but we are still animals.

A result of this fact is that we still have those animal instincts that we must work very hard to overcome. One of the instincts ingrained into us is a sense of selfishness. This has always been necessary, to an extent, for survival. But in the complicated world we have developed, it can lead to all sorts of conflict.

It is natural for people to see themselves as superiour. This often gets taken to extremes, and develops to the point of hatred for anyone who is different. Such hatred manifests as bigotry, which can be directed towards any number of targets. In our culture, the most prominent examples of this include the racism directed towards African Americans as a result of the slave trade, the slaughter of Jews in the Holocaust, and the disenfranchisement of women as a result of Victorian attitudes. Other less well-known examples include the treatment of the poor (especially during the Industrial Revolution, but even today), the interment of Japanese-Americans during World War II, and the mass deportations of Mexican-Americans during the 1930s.

It even manifests in smaller ways. Citizens of one state in America will develop intense, unthinking hatred for another state. Oklahomans and Texans hold a deep rivalry for one another, as do people from Michigan versus Ohio. It seems to me that the closer a group of people is to someone, the more that person will value the group. That is, a person may defend his family against others in his city, but defend the city against those from other towns, and again prefers his state to other states, but his country over other countries. Likewise, someone of Indian descent supports other Indians against those from different ethnicities. And so on.

My point is, there is no longer a need for this. Bigotry is an outmoded concept that we, as a species, have yet to give up. But if there's one thing that I want you to learn as you grow, it's that all people are worthwhile, and if you do decide to hate anyone, that you do it for who that specific person is, rather than where he was born, or what religion he follows, or what ethnicity he belongs to, or how much money he makes, or any other specious criteria.

On censorship

Dear Michelle,

It is possible that, as you go through high school, you will find that there are certain books and poems and other pieces of literature or other art that are denied to you. Just a couple examples of books that have been removed from school libraries and reading lists include the Harry Potter series, The Catcher in the Rye, Brave New World, and Nineteen Eighty Four.

It is my firm belief that no book should ever be banned, or in any way restricted from public access. But there are many people who do not like what some books say. In the examples I've given above, the Harry Potter books are seen as anti-Christian, while The Catcher in the Rye contains discussion of a sexual nature. Brave New World was seen as overly negative and has been challenged for its themes of drugs, sex, and suicide. Nineteen Eighty Four was seen as pro-communism (despite the fact that the book was very much a criticism of Joseph Stalin).

But the people who are offended by these books are not content to simply avoid reading them; they feel that they should be eradicated so that NO ONE can read them. Part of this is because they think that the world would be better if "unpleasant" topics did not exist, but partly it's because they don't know how to deal with unpleasantries.

However, the sad fact is that the world can often be an unpleasant place. As you go through life, you will occasionally encounter people who disagree with you, or who say things that bother you, or do things that offend you. It's inevitable; the world does not go out of its way to make you happy. Wouldn't it be better to learn to handle offensive subjects in a mature and rational manner than to try to hide behind censorship and self-delusion?

If is for this reason that I will never hide "questionable" or "objectional" materials from you, and in fact, will sometimes encourage you to read such books. And if you ever encounter censorship yourself, I hope that you will fight against it. Because no matter how bad the book may be, banning it is always worse.

On Adversity

Dear Michelle,

Something that may be useful to remember is that an easy life does not equip you with characteristics necessary to take care of yourself. If you constantly have to struggle to accomplish your goals, then you will be accustomed to such adversity, and will not shy away from "rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty."

Many people have never had to face this reality. They are given everything they need by their parents, or other people in authority. I know that in my case, I was a very intelligent child. As such, my teachers often let me get away with a lot of things that I really shouldn't have gotten away with.

Allow me to share with you an anecdote from my high school days. I had a tendency to blow off homework, mostly because I was lazy and I couldn't be bothered. Sadly, I was smart enough that even without the practise required by most people, I still got decent grades because I generaly did well on tests and in-class assignments. This led to one year in which my parents got a phone call from my English teacher. This was odd anyway, because I wasn't living with my parents at the time. But the reason she had phoned was because in the first nine weeks, I hadn't turned in a single homework assignment.

In the course of the conversation, it became apparent that according to the teacher's grading policy, I should have been getting an F, but the teacher was going to give me a C anyway because I was so smart, she just couldn't bring herself to flunk me. This led to a conversation in which the vice-principal of the school said to my father, "I think this is the first time I've ever had a parent upset because we aren't flunking the student."

But my father wanted me to learn that I have to work to achieve my goals. This is a lesson that I later came to appreciate; I took ten years to complete university because I had no study skills to speak of. I expected to coast through my classes on my intelligence, and was sorely disappointed to find that it didn't work in that environment.

But the point is that if you grow up having to earn everything you want, you will be able to accomplish your goals when you become an adult. Contrast this to the modern predominant method of parenting, in which you give your child everything he wants because it will make him "happy," and you see that we are raising a generation of adults who will demand everything and not want to do the work necessary to achieve it.

This is why I don't spoil you. I know you don't appreciate it now, but I hope that at some point later, when you are an adult and looking back on all you have accomplished, you will understand the gift I have given you, and appreciate it.

On Conformity

Dear Michelle,

By the time you reach adolesence, you will have already encountered the inherent human need for conformity. Infants have no preconceptions, and are equipped with completely maleable minds that are open to all possibilities. By the time they reach age twelve, their brains have begun a "pruning" process in which unused neural pathways are removed, and it becomes more difficult to create new ones.

In short, by age twelve, those things which a child has not experienced become harder for that person to accept.

This leads to a strong sense of conformity. Twelve is only a rough cut-off point; the process begins earlier and sometimes finishes earler. But those people who do not learn about a lifestyle or culture when young struggle to accept it as a viable life choice. Homosexuality is just one example of this phenomenon; others range from minor deviations from the cultural norm (like my decision to refrain from drinking alcoholic beverages) to seemingly bizarre differences in other cultures (like the Kayan Lahwi people in Mayamnar who adorn the necks of their women with long coils that appear to enlongate the neck).

Once, this was an important part of human society. In order to survive, people needed to band together into groups to pool their resources and abilities. The actions of one person affected the entire group. If someone did not act with the best interests of his people, it could be very damaging to the others. As such, those who did not conform to the "rules" would be cast out. 

But in our modern world, this is no longer necessary. We, as a species, have developed to the point where individualism is no longer harmful. Yet the old traits are still present; we have not yet bred the desire for conformity out of ourselves.

This leaves you with a terrible dilemma: do you conform to the desires of your companions for the purpose of being accepted? Or do you remain true to yourself and your own desires, at the cost of acceptance?

Remember, of course, that you are my daughter, and I will always love you, no matter which decision you make. But it is your decision, and you must choose carefully. There is a cost to both paths: either you sacrifice your sense of self, or you sacrifice the ability to make many friends. It's not fair, and it's not right, but that's the way it is. Either way, there is one thing that you must remember: you must never feel superiour to those who have made different choices than you have. You do not have the right to belittle them, or to treat them poorly.