On Conformity

Dear Michelle,

By the time you reach adolesence, you will have already encountered the inherent human need for conformity. Infants have no preconceptions, and are equipped with completely maleable minds that are open to all possibilities. By the time they reach age twelve, their brains have begun a "pruning" process in which unused neural pathways are removed, and it becomes more difficult to create new ones.

In short, by age twelve, those things which a child has not experienced become harder for that person to accept.

This leads to a strong sense of conformity. Twelve is only a rough cut-off point; the process begins earlier and sometimes finishes earler. But those people who do not learn about a lifestyle or culture when young struggle to accept it as a viable life choice. Homosexuality is just one example of this phenomenon; others range from minor deviations from the cultural norm (like my decision to refrain from drinking alcoholic beverages) to seemingly bizarre differences in other cultures (like the Kayan Lahwi people in Mayamnar who adorn the necks of their women with long coils that appear to enlongate the neck).

Once, this was an important part of human society. In order to survive, people needed to band together into groups to pool their resources and abilities. The actions of one person affected the entire group. If someone did not act with the best interests of his people, it could be very damaging to the others. As such, those who did not conform to the "rules" would be cast out. 

But in our modern world, this is no longer necessary. We, as a species, have developed to the point where individualism is no longer harmful. Yet the old traits are still present; we have not yet bred the desire for conformity out of ourselves.

This leaves you with a terrible dilemma: do you conform to the desires of your companions for the purpose of being accepted? Or do you remain true to yourself and your own desires, at the cost of acceptance?

Remember, of course, that you are my daughter, and I will always love you, no matter which decision you make. But it is your decision, and you must choose carefully. There is a cost to both paths: either you sacrifice your sense of self, or you sacrifice the ability to make many friends. It's not fair, and it's not right, but that's the way it is. Either way, there is one thing that you must remember: you must never feel superiour to those who have made different choices than you have. You do not have the right to belittle them, or to treat them poorly.