On Beauty

Dear Michelle,

As you become an adolescent, you will find that physical appearance starts meaning a great deal. People tend to be judged on their looks. Women who are considered beautiful will be treated better than those who are not. 

This is not limited to teenagers. If anything, it gets worse in adulthood. If you watch music videos on television, you will notice that there is no such thing as an ugly female artist. The sad fact of the matter is that ugly women don't sell records; even though they're in the music business, their popularity is often determined more by their appearance than by their music. This was highlighted in the Susan Boyle scenario: a forty-something frumpish unmarried woman walks out on stage to sing, and the audience and judges laugh at her. They are stunned when she actually sings well.

Sadly, people have come to equate beauty with quality. They tend to think that if you are beautiful, you are also talented, and if you are ugly, you are also incompetent.

But what's truly sad about this is that the ideal standard of beauty is arbitrary. Fashion designers, models, magazines, and other mainstream media have collaborated to create an unrealistic vision of what "beautiful" is. Women often go to ridiculous lengths to try to achieve this look, spending inordinate amounts of money, undergoing horrendous procedures, and otherwise being hideously cruel to themselves. And for that matter, also often hideously cruel to anyone that doesn't meet the "standard."

You must be prepared for this. But there is good news: while most men are brainwashed into desiring only those women who fit the artificial image of beauty, there are some who prefer a more natural look. Where most men are only attracted to skinny women, some men prefer a larger fram. Most men prefer large lips, but some like thin lips. Most men prefer enormous breasts, but some men like a smaller-chested woman. And so on.

The important thing to remember is this: whatever beauty you may or may not have, the best partner for you is someone who loves you for who you are, rather than for what you look like. If you find such a mate, then that is worth more than all the beauty you can buy. And no matter what you look like, there will always be at least one person who thinks you are beautiful.

On Money

Dear Michelle,

One day, you will be faced with the paradox of money. On the face of it, money does not seem to be a very complex subject; people go to work, for which they are paid money, which they then spend on items that the need, such as food and shelter, or on things they want, such as video games and books.

But it is not as simple as that. People have a tendency to define social status by income. Even in early school years, you will find that people begin sorting themselves into classes based on buying power. Those who are wealthy will not associate with those who are poor. As you reach adulthood, it will become more pronounced. People go on to define themselves by their material possessions. The man with several large houses, a fleet of cars, a yacht, a private jet, and a staff of servants are seen as being more worthwhile than the poor family who can barely afford a single-room apartment.

Once upon a time, this was important for human survival. The wealthy villager had the responsibility of caring for the entire tribe, and helped to maintain the social order that was necessary to allow everyone to work together. This is no longer the case, but we still possess the instincts that have been bred into us after millenia of operating in this manner.

We are instinctively drawn to those who have more power, and money equals power. It doesn't make sense; the clerk at a store gets paid the same no matter whether he's serving Donald Trump or Joe the Plumber, but he's more likely to be polite to Donald than to Joe. He gets nothing out of his extra effort, yet he does it anyway.

What this means is that you will have to make a choice. As you grow to adulthood, you will need to select a career. Some people choose a career that they enjoy. Others pursue employment that they know they can do, even if they don't like it or won't make a lot of money. Still others seek work that will make them a lot of money, even if it's not something they enjoy doing.

You have to choose carefully. Do you want to do something you'll enjoy, or something that pays well? The two seldom overlap. It is possible to do both; I once wanted to be a surgeon, but as I grew older, I realised that it would be very difficult to continue loving that job because so many others do it solely for the money. They drained my desire to help people, and caused me to change my career plans.

But there is a third option. Some people choose to forgo money entirely, and attempt to live alternative lifestyles. If this is what you want to do, I will of course support your decision, but you have to realise that it is not easy. We live in a world that is so overwhelmingly based on the flow of money that trying to do without it means that you will have to forgo many of the luxuries that are taken for granted by modern society: electricity, heated water, easy-to-prepare foods, and many other things.

It's not fair, and it's not right, but that's the way it is. Better that you learn this now, and be able to deal with it when you become an adult, than find out the hard way when it's too late, like I did.

On interactions with males

Dear Michelle,

As you get older (and especially as you navigate the treacherous waters of adolescence), you will find yourself the subject of a great many males who want nothing more than to have sex with you. Ultimately, this is your choice to make, and I will always love you, no matter which choice you make. I would like to help you make the best choice you can, and I will always be here to offer you advice and help you decide which is the best option for you. But right now, I want to make sure you understand something very important about the way that men and women interact.

Firstly, you must understand that men and women are different, no matter what the radical extremists would have you believe. Because men produce millions of sperm and are not physically attached to their offspring, those who have the most surviving children are those who impregnate the most women. Women, however, produce a small number of available eggs, and are burdened with nine months of pregnancy and a lifetime of care for their offspring in the event that they do conceive a child. Thus, the women who have the most surviving children are the ones that can find a partner who will remain with them and provide support for the child-raising process.

Because of this, men are hard-wired to want sex, lots of sex, and only sex. Women, on the other hand, are hard-wired to want emotional commitment. So whenever you are frustrated with your boyfriend/spouse/romantic partner, just remember that, and you'll understand why.

Secondly, however, you must also remember that not all men are like that. Just as there are women who crave sex without emotional involvement, so too are there men who crave love and commitment. So it's important, when you meet a man, not to automatically assume that he's only interested in sleeping with you. It's good to be aware that he's probably only interested in sleeping with you, but it's not fair to him (or to you) to dismiss him entirely for that reason. Give him a chance, get to know him, find out for sure if he wants nothing else first. Be aware that it's a possibility, but don't discount the potential mates because of the majority of jerks.

That's my advice for you today. Until next time, I bid you farewell. 

First Letter

Dear Michelle,

Before I start giving you advice and describing what I think is important for you to know, perhaps it is important to know who I am.

At the time that I write this, I am 35 years old. Once upon a time, I wanted children more than anything. That changed after I got married, for a plethora of reasons. I may describe them to you later, but they're not important right now. If I had ever had a child, I would have preferred a daughter. I realise this makes me unusual compared to most males, but the thought of raising a son fills me with dread. Raising a teenage daughter, though, intrigues me.

If I'd ever actually had a daughter, I'd have named you Michelle. I love that name. I think it is far too often relegated to the realm of middle names, and it deserves so much better. But I never have had children, and I never will, so I write these letters instead to you, the daughter I never had.

Who am I? I am a teacher. I'm not currently working as a teacher, but I am a teacher nonetheless. I am a gamer. I am an introvert. I am a cynic who prefers to think of himself as a realist. I am a misnathrope. I am a firm believer in the power of logic, and the power of belief, and I believe it is possible to believe in those things without them conflicting. I believe that humans have great potential, but I believe that humans seldom acheive their potential.

Why am I writing these letters?

I feel that I have some important and worthwhile things to say. Some of these, I think, would be most useful for a teenage daughter. I remember what it was like to be a teenager, and I have worked closely with teenagers ever since I was a young adult. As a teacher working with secondary students, I had to learn to understand the way that teens work, and I got lots of practise and firsthand observation. I think I would be good at helping a daughter to navigate the perilous waters of adolesence.

Some of the things I have to say, though, would be beneficial to most anyone. They are observations on the world in general, and might be helpful (or at least interesting) to anybody who reads it.

So what follows is my thoughts and observations. My letters to you, Michelle, the daughter I never had.