On Monogamy

Dear Michelle,

As you approach adulthood, you will find yourself considering marriage, if even in a long-term planning attitude. In respect to this, I believe that it is important that you understand that humans aren't actually naturally monogomous. A lot of people will argue that this isn't true, but they are arguing from an unreasoned viewpoint.

This isn't to say that humans don't have the ability to be monogomous. It's simply the case that it's not the default. Studies have shown that after a few years in a relationship, humans have a tendency to want to find a new partner. Very often, even while in a relationship, people will find they have a desire to have romantic and/or sexual encounters with other people.

Part of the problem is the "wife/concubine" dilemma. In essence, there are two things that a person needs from a mate: security and genetic material. For men, security means a partner who will be a good mother, a stable companion who will help care for his offspring. For women, security is a provider, someone who will stay with her through pregnancy and child-rearing to care for her and her children. Genetic material, on the other hand, is expressed as physical attractiveness. Men want a woman with good child-bearing potential (wide hips, large breasts, healthy-looking skin and body, &c.), and women want a strong man who will produce children that can survive hardship to reach adulthood.

The problem here is that security and genetic material rarely come in the same package. Thus, people often employ a dual strategy. They marry for security but mate for genetic material. Men will marry the woman who will be a good mother, but they have nothing to lose by casting a few extra seeds around to see if they take. Women will marry the man who can provide for them, but sometimes have a tendency to find a different male to actually sire the children.

Some people follow more of one strategy than the other, but the capacity is always there. In particular, women often prefer the "wife" strategy, because they have a greater need for a supporter during childrearing, while men tend towards the "concubine" strategy, since they have less to lose if they lack a permanent mate. And again, some people do successfully lead monogomous lives. But it's not the natural and inherent state for humans. This information will be essential to you when you start engaging in romantic or sexual partnerships, and if anyone tries to argue that monogomy is the only acceptable, viable, or inherently natural option, just remember that they aren't speaking from a reasonable viewpoint.